I’m one of those assholes who texts while standing in line ordering a Venti (mild with two shots of pumpkin spice) and then doesn’t apologize.

(actual phone conversation…)

ME: I’v been meaning to call for a while now. I’m just not happy with you anymore. What you’ve given me.. it isn’t working, not like it used to.

HIM: Well, let’s see if can change that.

ME: I hope so. Otherwise I may have to walk away. This is just costing me too much, and I know there’s better out there.

HIM: Like what?

ME: More options, more fun.. my friends have told me.

HIM: Well, why don’t you start by telling me what you want.

ME: I want something new. Better.

HIM: Well, I don’t know that I can…

ME: Look, let’s just say I’ve shopped around. There are others… and I’m prepared to walk away from-

HIM: Let me see what I can do…

ME: If I can’t get what I need here, I’ll leave. It’s that simple- I’ve thought about doing this for some time.

HIM: But that will cost you…

ME: I don’t care- it’s worth it to get what I want. I just thought, after all these years, my loyalty, that you’d (long-ish pause). I’m just not satisfied.

HIM: Well, you have been loyal and you’re right, that deserves something.

ME: Exactly.

HIM: Ok, I think we can fix this. Just give me a few minutes to process this.

ME: If it means getting what I need, take all the time in the world.

And THAT is how you get your fucking cell phone company to send you a FREE iPhone in the mail.

You got any tricks?



Filed under Stuff I know for sure

5 responses to “I’m one of those assholes who texts while standing in line ordering a Venti (mild with two shots of pumpkin spice) and then doesn’t apologize.

  1. rachel

    oh my god!!! this is hilarious!!! I am totally going to try this. I’ve been wanting a new cell phone for AGES!!!

  2. quejeveux

    Daaaamn really?? My network doesn’t do iPhones because O2 got the exclusive contract in the UK.

    I am absolutely gutted!!

    – Pepper. x

  3. Ditto the title of this post, almost the exact same order too. And good for you for getting the free phone. I came home with a new blackberry last week and realized I am the idiot who walks in the store and pays when apparently they could have removed the roller ball and the tiny piece of dust that likely caused it to stop rolling. All this said by my husband while rolling his eyes.

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