I almost became a stripper, but then realized the late shift thing wasn’t for me

Why “reinvent” anyway?

On one hand, wanting to reinvent myself could mean a couple of things:

1. I’m dissatisfied with my life.

2. I’ve watched the E! True Hollywood Story: Madonna episode too many times (like, eight times)

In either case though, you would have assumed wrong.. And everyone knows that when you “assume” you make an ASS out of U and ME.

..Anyways, that’s not what this post is about.

One day at Starbucks (you know, I effing mention them a lot and they don’t like, pay me or anything, but they totally should.. I’m awesome at drinking coffee) my sister and I were chatting about the next big thing in my life. For the last little bit I’ve just, I don’t know, felt ‘stuck’.. you know?

I mean, things were going right for me: Great job, bad-ass husband, hot friends, a solid sister, good skin, and a fairly decent cup size for my small frame. But yet the spice in my life had gotten a bit stale. It’s like when you leave cumin in the jar for a year and half, then bust it out to make your kick-ass turkey chili but then realize that you might as well have just dusted the whole pot in saw dust because that’s pretty much what your turkey chili tastes like now that it has that ancient spice all over it.

Sometimes, life just gets bland.

So my sister and I (let’s call her..um.. “Ashley”) are talking about the next thing I can do in my life to shake things up a bit and get fancy with my days again. It had been a few months since my last ‘big thing’ and I was craving a fresh something ‘er other to keep my juices flowing..

Because I’m nothing if not juicy.

Ashley: “I think you need to, um, I don’t know… change yourself up a bit.. new hair?”

Me: “Ah, no. That’s balls. Something better. This is the last year before 30 and I just really want to exit this mo-fo with a bang..”

Ashley: “I feel you. You need to reinvent yourself as someone…”

Me: “Better?”

Ashley: “No..”

Me: “Funner.. funner? Is that a word?”

Ashley: “No.”

Me: “..else?”

Ashley: “Yes.. you need to reinvent yourself someone else.. that’s what you need to do.”

Me: “But I do that every year.. you know the List. Make goals, check them off and poof, reinvented.”

Ashley: “That’s good shit, what you do there. Right there. You should tell others about reinventing themselves. There are A LOT of people feeling like you do right now.”

Me: “Word.”

And so, reinventing sandyb was born.

How I went from that conversation to the other end of this blog is still an effing mystery. But it’s here, so whatever. I’m going with it.

When I was in the first grade, there were two Sandy’s in the class: Sandy J and me, Sandy B. One of us became a stripper. And the other one is telling you about the other girl who became a stripper. And that’s the end of that sentence.

Since then, the name “Sandy B” stuck with me through most of grade school, and even in to high school. It annoyed me to have my name attached to a single letter like that at first, but then it became what set my name apart from everyone else. And isn’t that what we all want to be sometimes – set apart from the rest?

Today, even my coworkers call me sandyb.. and I’m almost sure my mom said it once, which was actually a little creepy, although I’m not sure why.

So when someone asks me, ‘why reinvent?’ I tell them two things:

1. I’d rather be boring, have bad breath, snort when I laugh, go to church, put cream in my coffee, not shave my armpits everyday, kiss an ugly girl with a moustache and have perma-pit stains than be complacent. Complacency is the root of all evil (and Nickle Back songs).

2. Because if Madonna did it, so can I.

So if you’re feeling ‘stuck’, ‘stank’, ‘stale’ or ‘bland’ like year-old cumin, I’d recommend doing the following within the next 24-hours for some shamless, instant reinvention gratification..

-Change your mind about one thing you know you’re ‘stuck’ on. For example: That guy who won’t commit already; that girl who doesn’t even know you exist; that friend who won’t return your phone calls; that boss who doesn’t even know you’re alive; those last five pounds. Get unstuck.

-Part your hair the other way. It might not seem like much, but I promise you, it will do wonders.

-Tomorrow, say hello to the people at work you never talk to. You never know, but you could be the one person they’ve been dying to talk to. I mean, you’re awesome, aren’t you? (p.s. only awesome people can read my blog..fyi)

-When you wake up tomorrow morning, tell yourself that you aren’t just going to some bullshit job. Instead, tell youself that those eight hours will be about practicing for the next big thing in YOUR life. Think of every experience as free education.

-And for God’s sake, make yourself a LIST.

So, do you have a reinvention List? Drop some of that gold in the comments area or hit me back: originalsandyb@gmail.com.

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7 Comments

Filed under Reinvention Inspiration

7 responses to “I almost became a stripper, but then realized the late shift thing wasn’t for me

  1. I don’t have a list…yet….but now I’m starting to think I should. How do I go about it?

  2. Meg

    I was reading this post while you left me a comment. Obviously I am trying to avoid studying, but your blog seems to be an enjoyable way to do it.

  3. I love this. I try to go through a big reinvention every few years (or, I guess, it just starts shifting, then one day I rip the dang bandaid off), and definitely going through one right now, trying to make myself ballsier, more extroverted, and up-front about my FRIGGIN’ DEMANDS TO THE UNIVERSE.

    I never thought of parting my hair on the other side, though. I’m absolutely doing that tomorrow. (And if it works out, am pretty sure you should develop a book of self-grooming related little zen koans — personal evolution through minute physical changes. That could be a fun read!)

  4. She

    “When you wake up tomorrow morning, tell yourself that you aren’t just going to some bullshit job.”

    It’s funny, I kind of do tell myself this, being unemployed and all.

    *cries*

    But seriously, these are good tips. I haven’t parted my hair in forever, I should give it a try.

    • Most def, part the hair. Works wonders. As for the job, I dunno, sometimes being employed is overrated. Think of yourself as currently “exploring your options”.

  5. Pingback: How to make a list to change your life. « reinventing sandyb

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