Married. Without children. You gotta problem with that?

I’m going to start this post by saying two things:

1. I really wish I could post more often these days, but things are hectic lately. I mean really. On top of the usual stuff we all manage to cram our days with, Rob and I are house hunting, I’ve been trying to find a decent pair of decent boots for effing weeks now, and work’s a boar. Rarrrr. (although I don’t think that’s the sound a boar makes, but it must be close.. or similar.. or at least the distant cousin of what a real boar sounds like. But I wouldn’t know, because I’ve never seen a boar. Or eaten one.)

2. I’m adding another item to my List. But I can’t tell you what it is… yet.

And now we return to your regularly scheduled post-

When you’re dating and living apart, people ask, “when are you going to move in together?”

When you’re coupled, sharing an address, bills, and your toothbrush holder, people ask, “when are you going to get engaged?”

When you’re betrothed, the ring is on, and you’re deciding between a wedding in the city or on the beach at sunset with a Mai Tai and a sunburn, people ask, “when are you getting married?”

When you’ve set the date, said the vows, and sent out the last Thank You Card to relatives you probably won’t see again until the next family funeral, people ask, “when are you going to have a baby?”


And that’s where shit gets personal.

I totally get that some people are just you know, curious. Asking questions, making conversation sort of thing. When you’re married, it’s a given that at some point people are going to ask the baby question. I mean “it’s the next step..” right? (if you could see me right now, I’m rolling my eyes, which is a little hard to do while typing, but it’s happening. Somehow. Honest.)  When you haven’t really formulated an answer to that infamous question about baby, or care to right now, it’s the last question you want to hear.

As if I didn’t have enough to worry about with hunting a house, surviving the work week, attacking a List, and finalizing my plans to take over the world, now I have to think about my ovaries, my uterus and a clock. If this all sounds a little bit like being lost in a forest, it sure feels that way some days.

I could really use a few gingerbread crumbs right about now.

How about you – you getting the Q’s about what’s next in your life?

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34 Comments

Filed under stuff on my mind, stupid shit people say, the truth about turning 30

34 responses to “Married. Without children. You gotta problem with that?

  1. Ebony_Jewel

    I’m single so the question I get all the time from my extended family members is “when are you getting married?” I always respond “when I get ready to, why don’t you worry about YOU and let me worry about ME!” I have an awesome career right now, a career that intimidates a lot of men, a career that tons of people don’t understand, so it’s hard for me to meet Mr Right (if he even exists).

    I say take it slow, live your life to the fullest, enjoy your husband, and when the time is right you will take the next step and start a family. Until then, tell everyone to mind their own damn business! 🙂

  2. traynharder23

    i’m 23 but not in any grad school/professional school..and i graduated from UCLA…so all the time, people hear what my sisters are doing and then they look at me and go like So…..what are you doing but they really want to ask “what the hell is wrong with you?”. seriously.

    • See, right there. The exact reason I avoid people at all costs. You should shoot something back like, “what the hell is wrong with YOU?!” Ok, not very inventive, but still, what could they possibly say? It would make a great post, no?

  3. My wife and I have been married for a over a year now, and don’t have any kids…. yet.

    Luckily, were we spared all of the questions from family and friends because my wife’s sister had a baby – which seemed to fulfill everyone’s expectations that a baby is overdue.

    I don’t know how long we can count on the baby to distract the attention away from us. Hopefully long enough for us to get our lives in order so we can even consider having one…

    • Grant, we’re in the same boat. BOTH my sisters-in-law have kids now, the newest one born earlier this year. They’re all starting to figure me out! Damn! Before long, I won’t be able to hind behind the bib anymore.

  4. One of the many reasons I love your blog: on 99.5% of blogs, the phrase “work’s a boar” would have been a typo. And certainly not accompanied with onomatopoeia.

    Also, when I was still with The Ex, I was sick absolutely to death of people asking when we were getting engaged. So I, um, got back at them by breaking up with him, I guess…

    When his cousin got married last year, everyone in the family asked her multiple times at the reception when they were going to start having kids. Her brilliant and ruthless reaction? She started keeping a tally and informing well-meaning-but-obnoxious family members that every time they asked was another month she’d stay on birth control.

    • If it’s even possible, you’re coolness just upped by like, 100 more points for using “onomatopoeia”.Rarrrr.

      Your cousin sounds like my kinda gal. We got that question several times at our wedding, too. Amidst the Mai Tais, Rob mustered something like, “I don’t know when we’ll have kids, but it sure will be fun having at ‘er…” Ewww (and yet awesome, no?)

      As for The Ex confession there.. hmmm, sounds like a post brewing to me.

  5. I say “No. I can’t stand kids.”

    Then someone will say “What about your wife, doesn’t she want kids?”

    I usually respond “No. She has the maternal instinct of Rose West.”

    Pause.

    “Oh, you’ll change your mind.”

    • Don’t you love it when people tell you what you’re going to think, feel like, morph into. The best, isn’t it? “You’ll change your mind…” um, not likely.

      p.s. “Rose West”… nice touch. Cracked me up!

  6. I get asked all these types of questions all the time. My answer usually involves proclaiming my hate for children and loveless institutions….they don’t tend to ask twice.

    • Another good tactic. I certainly wouldn’t ask twice. Although I used that method before marriage, while living together. My only regret was doing this too well. So well, in fact, that when I did decide marriage was something I wanted to experience, I got the, “Oh, but I thought you were against marriage..” bit. Ouch. Sometimes I’m too convincing, I guess. I’m much more diplomatic with my anti-kids speech. Although I have no issues telling people that I think kids stink a lot. I’ll stick by that indefinitely.

  7. katznmouse

    Let me just tell you…It never stops!

    I have a two year old and just weeks after he was born I got asked “so you think you’ll have another?”
    WTF?? Can I get over my stitches first?! Holy Crap!

    I think that alot of people live their life down a path…girl meets boy…girl marries boy…girl and boy buy a house…girl and boy have a baby… girl and boy buy a minivan…girl and boy have a family…blah, blah, blah

    The people that live down this path want everyone to follow this path. Those that choose not to go down this path just confuse those that do. They think “what do you mean you don’t want to be married/have a house/have a child/have a minivan…?” 🙂 They ultimately question – why don’t you want to be like me? What’s wrong with my life?

    Nothing’s wrong…I just want my life.

    Right now one kid is perfect. And right now I think one kid is all we want.
    So stop asking!

    Live your life, your way. And when someone asks when are you doing this, when are you doing that – just say: “I’m happy right now. My life is perfect and I’m enjoying every moment. Don’t take anything for granted.”

    kat

    • See, I don’t get that. TWO WEEKS after your vijajay is all torn and newly birthed-up and people still have the balls to go there, huh? I’m telling you, the “baby club” is recruiting new members all the time. Beware. Their #1 tactic is making other women feel inadequate.

      Good advice in the last bit, by the way. I will most def use that.

  8. Oh girl…I hear ya loud and clear. We’ve been married less than 3 months and we get the baby question a lot. Here’s the worst part- I still have 6 months left until I get my Bachelors. When I tell people “I’m at least going to finish college first and then get a new house and then… etc etc” people have actually said to me “Well the baby won’t be born for 9 months. You can get pregnant now and you won’t have the kid till after you graduate.”

    Are you kidding me?!

    • WTF!? (don’t all awesome sentences start this way?) You sound like you have the right plan in mind – FINISH SCHOOL, THEN DIAPERS. I swear, it’s like people with kids want you to join their “club” or something… “c’mon.. come with us.. to the land of diapers, Barney, sleeplessness, baby farts, and Miley Cyrus..”

      Um, no thanks.

  9. Yes. ALL THE DAMN TIME. My husband and I have been married two years…and no kids…(yet…I have to say it…it’s only PC)….and people are starting to think there’s a problem with the equipment.

  10. Well, you read my post all about the “baby question” so you know I can relate…

    What kind of disturbs me is that most people seem more concerned by the fact that I am unmarried & without children than the fact that I’m still not settled career wise…I’ve even had people suggest I should just have a kid and “figure the rest out later” (?!!). Is there something so wrong with wanting to work on yourself before you bring another person into this world?!

    • The career. Ah, yes. That one stings more than the baby one, if you can believe it. Lately the number of times people have said something that made me feel waaay past my prime is in the tens of dozens of multiples of six. (aka: way more than my salary.) True story.

  11. I started dating my boyfriend in April of last year. Around October, my mom asked why we won’t just get married already for Christmas??!? And my family in Poland has been literally “counting on me” to get married ever since I was, like 16. I have a feeling if it doesn’t happen before next summer, they are going to drive me to Vegas, get me drunk on cheap wine and push me down the aisle riiight before my 26th birthday.

    • Oh my God! That sounds a lot like how Rob proposed. Awww.

      I know though, right? Tons of pressure. Think about it- by the time we’re done school, land a job, quit that one because it sucks, get another job, find our first apartment and then settle into a relationship (if that even happens), we’re half way through your mid-20s. Meeting those relative-imposed deadlines is TOTALLY impossible. I mean, that leave less than 10 years to find husband #2 by 35. Tough, tough, tough!

  12. Um, try opening a maternity boutique when you are 25 and single. My clients were trying to find me a husband as they assumed that was the ONLY reason I didn’t have kids. Then I got married, to the same boyfriend I’d had when the assumptive jerks tried to set me up and that is when shit hit the fan. So I was stupid and said we needed a year. And you know what the year is up and the hits just keep on coming. I actually do want a baby soon (like now), which to be quite honest makes the question even worse, can you imagine that. A time you will hate the baby question even more!

    • A girl is damned if she does… and damned if she doesn’t [ovulate]. More to the point, you opened a business at only 25? Amazing!! Even more amazing, you did THAT and people still managed to point out the one thing you didn’t have- a baby. Certain types of people will always find something to pick on. Most do it to feel better about themselves. Ooooh, got deep there. Anyway girl, happy baby making. Whoooot!

  13. i get the “when are you going to get married?” question all the time. i’m single.

  14. I HATEEEEEEEEE questions like that. Even though I’ve caught myself asking them sometimes. but sometimes it juts irks me. Maybe its not thequestion, but the people who ask it. IDK.

    and boars are scary.

  15. Even if you had an answer you care to share with intrusive people they follow it with another question that’s none of their business. Say you decide the timing is right and you do want children and you have one…two seconds later they ask when you are having another one. If you decide to have more than two people will say…what’s with all the kids? Those kinds of people suck.

  16. Yep, I’m single and get the questions like that all the time. A while ago, a summer student at work and I were trying to come up with the most awkward answers to questions like that. Like “I’m damaged goods, and men these days don’t want that” to “Why aren’t you married?” or “Rick had an accident when he was younger (I won’t get into it, but barbed wire was involved) and now he can’t have children” to “When are you having kids?” Just something to make people feel uber awkward. Then there’s also the really angry “I DON’T NEED A MAN TO BE HAPPY!” lash-out that is entertaining to see reactions to.

  17. Fatima Glowa

    Just a question to you , does it hit a nerve ? Why ?

  18. So I am waaaay late on this, but I had to chime in.

    Being 29 and single, people assume there is something wrong with me. I get the “why are you single?” question every so often, and I really feel badly for my boring answer (usually it’s “I’m too picky”). What they REALLY want to know is if I’m pyschologically imbalanced, a single mom who is a stripper, or in debt hundreds of thousands of dollars (p.s. I have nothing against strippers!).

    I hate that people think your life has to go a certain way, at a certain time. Some people don’t want kids, some people want to get married later (or not at all), and then think about the people who want to have kids but are infertile? I’m sure they get questioned, and it has to sting a LOT.

    Anywho, that’s my 2 cents (or, a lot more than that). 🙂 It’s definitely taught me never, ever to question people about things like that – unless we’re extremely close, and even then I tip-toe.

    • Hey, never to late to chime in.. stop on by ANYTIME. For real. It is hard breaking through barriers, societal expectations and all the other cliche stuff.. but it’s true – it exists! On my personal website my favorite quote is:

      “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment”
      -ralph waldo emerson

      Speaks VOLUMES.

  19. sam

    when people ask me when i’m gonna have a baby (and trust me, they ask all the frikin time) i try to make them feel as uncomfortable as possible. something along the lines of “we’ve been trying for years. it’s a really painful subject. thanks for bringing back the memories” usually does the trick.

  20. adriennethewriter

    I feel you on this one. I’m not upset about it, but it’s definitely uncomfortable. Check out my post on the same issue: http://wp.me/pCNLM-5f1

    I made the mistake of doing this same thing years ago… Turns out that wasn’t a baby in the lady’s stomach, it was a tumor. Ouch.

    I’d like to be married for a bit before i have kids.

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