This is what relearning what you’re made of looks like..

Whoever said that the little things add up to be big things was right.

Amidst the beautiful and fluffy pillows, surrounded by the Happiest Place on Earth, I started to cry. And my husband just looked at me and then he hugged me, hard.

“What can I do?” he asked.

To which I replied, “I don’t think there’s an easy answer. But I need to fix this on my own.”

I cried hard that afternoon, released. I cried to so hard I sobbed, and strange noises came out of my throat, from deep, deep inside.  Ya, it was one of those cries.

So what had me so up in arms? Near devastation?

Frustration.. with myself. With friendship. With dreams. With time. With indecision. Frustration with frustration. You know the feeling I’m talking about? It’s the worst, and so exhausting, and in that moment I finally collapsed. So many little things had just added up to one big thing – one very big cry. But why then? All I can think is that when you finally just give yourself a moment of pause, a second to simmer down, some things will just inevitably boil to the surface- like the way a cold hits you while you’re vacationing in the tropics or you crash early on a Friday night after a week that’s worn you out – when you least expect it, when you’re the most vulnerable, the little things will add up and you will react. Just part of being a silly human, I guess.

But this post isn’t about my sadness though, it’s about my hope for better things to come, because they always do.

I’ve learned, in the last few months especially, there is no amount of money, there is no neighborhood, no trip, no fancy job, no designer handbag and no amount of yoga that can fill the gaps you’ve allowed to separate you from your life.

I’ve learned that as charmed as life can be, as mine is, there is so much more I want to feel, to be, to understand. There really is no limit to happiness, but for some reason I thought there should be- I thought, long ago, I had reached my quota and run out of happy. “This is it! This is as good as gets and you really should stop striving for more, you silly, spoiled girl. You’ve done it all for a gal your age, so just be content already!” That little thought added up to one very big cry.

You see, for some time I’ve lived by those limits, even though I knew there was so much more I could do, could be, and that meant not always living as authentically as I am programmed to- not being fair to the things that make me tick.

During this reinvention of mine I’ve also learned that living against the grain is one thing – a good thing – but living against your own grain is not. Inevitably you will turn into someone else, someone you don’t quite recognize anymore. Someone who cries at the Happiest Place on Earth.

And so there, amidst tears, pillows and my husband’s arms, I’m gave myself permission to enjoy the things I deserve when they finally come to me, because I know, deep down, they will.

Since that cry, I’ve decided to make some changes. I’m ready to be myself again. That day I relearned what I thought I knew, but had so obviously forgotten:

I have a say in what goes on here.

I hope this post inspires you, even a little bit, to ask yourself today, “Am I being real with myself?” And “If judgment, criticism or fear were not hindrances, but fuel for my dreams, what would I do with the next year of my life? Really.”

But I must tell you, when you ask yourself this, bring tissues. And some fluffy pillows.

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9 Comments

Filed under Reinvention Inspiration, Stuff I know for sure

9 responses to “This is what relearning what you’re made of looks like..

  1. Something we all need to ask ourselves. Frightening, but true.

    I’m glad you posted this.

  2. A freakin men. I go through times like this too where I’m suddenly feeling so so so unlike myself and I just LOSE IT, and then I realize, Hey, I need to be true to me. And sometimes “me” doesn’t have a clue what to or where to go, and that’s okay too. There is no “final destination” in life- it’s all this journey and sometimes there are bumps along the way. I don’t know why this simple, cheezy cliche (my apologies) took me so long to figure out (okay, well not SOOO long, I’m 24) and why I still sometimes get caught off guard by this. Hang in there Sandy B! Sometimes life doesn’t need reinventing. 🙂

    • I figured (hoped?) I wasn’t the only one who felt this way. (but thank you for saying so.)

      The reinventing isn’t because things were bad, it’s just that when you dive into a journey (which I guess this next year is) you can’t help it but come out someone new on the other side. See, reinvented.

      Hey, you’re one cool chick.
      … p.s.

  3. Lora

    Hi Sandy – I wrote the “anonymous” post to you right before you were going to “lalaland”:)

    I just want to tell you how inspiring you are. I am also turning 30 this year (October!) and I feel so connected to what you are going through….I went through my breakdown, so similar to yours in the summer when we were camping with good friends and it was a Friday night, and everything should have been so simple and I let my guard down and I was trying so hard to believe all was well. The when it was time to go night nights in our tents, my husband and I got in and bundeled into our sleeping bags….I realized I had forgotten my hubbies extra pillow which I had promised I had packed….no big deal right? Well suddenly I lost it. I was hysterical, could not stop crying, I was almost moaning and I could barely recognize myself, shaking and shivering…the worst part was I had to try to keep it as quiet as possible so other people in the campsite would not hear the unravelling of Lora….this went on for a couple of hours except for a brief pause where we heard our friends having a drunken shag in the next tent over, so I started giggling, and then 17 seconds later was hysterical and crying all over again (poor hubby).
    I know I am rambling and not being articulate but my point is, I SO get it. The little things do add up and do become this one massive big thing and….I don’t know where I’m going….I just want to say, I feel ya girlfriend. And ps. I didn’t even have unlimited amounts of fluffy pillows):
    Love ya
    L

    • Lora, wow and wow, both for the compliment (thank you!) and on your own breakdown experience. Always good to know I’m not the only one having a semi-meltdown for absolutely nothing! Although it’s not really nothing, is it? In fact, I’m learning that there are some things (like turning 30) that you’re just not quite sure how you’ll feel about until it’s staring you in the face. Call it hormones, call it over thinking things, call it a crisis, whatever, I call it real. If 30 really is a milestone, to not feel something about it would be silly, even if it means having to flip out every now and again. Sure does keep things interesting.

  4. I so connect with that feeling of already haveing sooo much that how can I ask for more. How can I actually think I deserve one more “perfect” situation?

    You know what girl you deserve another 29 amazing years and then another 29 after that! Amazing post, thanks for sharing such emotion.

  5. Andreea

    “Don’t turn your head. Keep looking at the bandaged wound. That’s where the light enters you.”

    you cried because you refused to turn your head. you looked. and you cried. keep crying. because you will eventually stop. you have to dig into the darkness in order to come out the other side. if we turn our head we just stay stuck in the darkness. i look forward to following your journey 🙂

    xo
    a

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