Category Archives: confessional

The Universe hates me (or at least thinks it’s funnier than me.)

So we had an anniversary this weekend. Actually, like, three of them.

11 years ago Rob got brave and asked me out on a date.
Good thing, too. Turned out to be the best last first date, ever.

3 years ago Rob got down on one knee and made an honest woman out of me.
He gave me diamonds. Really, really shiny ones.

Then 2 years ago, we dragged 40 of our nearest and dearest to sunny Mexico for a wedding in the sand (truth? they all just wanted a vacation and totally used us, sheesh)
I walked down the aisle to a song Rob wrote for me on the guitar I bought for him as an engagement gift. (I kinda felt like I owed him for the diamonds.)

So, what threads these lovely events together? December 12.
(Or as Rob and I affectionately refer to it, simply, 12.12)

And that’s why we were at the spa yesterday (finally, the point to this post.)

***

Rob had called the spa on Wednesday in a last-ditch (but well efforted) attempt to get us a weekend’s stay at Le Scandanave, a swanky spa near the skiing village of Blue Mountain. Needless to say, they were fully booked and our anniversary plans [that we should have made ages ago] fizzled. Gawd, like, doesn’t everyone make anniversary plans mere hours in advance? Apparently not.

The next day at work I called the spa.
*(actual conversation)

sandyb: “Hi, I’m calling to confirm our reservation?”

la scandinave girl: “OK, what’s your last name…”

*blah blah blah*

sandyb: “What do you mean you don’t have my reservation?! I booked, like three months ago…”

LSG: “We don’t see a reservation here ma’am, I’m sorry.”

(sidenote: You can learn how I feel about being “ma’am’d” here)

sandyb: “Well, I don’t know what to say then. Is there something we can do? I’m very upset about this” [hold breath, 2, 3, 4..]

LSG: “Let me call you right back ma’am.”

*several minutes pass. I actually get around to doing some real work for the day job, grab another cup of coffee and wait for the phone to ring.. because it will.*

sandyb: “Hello? Yes, this is she.”

LSG: “We have a room for you this weekend, so sorry for the confusion.”

sandyb: “Wonderful. You had me panicked.”

perfect.
***

At the spa, after a frantic mad dash to the boonies for a, he-hem, relaxing massage that I totally lied my way into, I realize two things:

1. I left my bikini at home. (We were supposed to bring swimsuits for the outdoor spas, baths, saunas, etc.) I must now pay upwards of $50 for an ugly rendition of a bathing suit last seen on Baywatch. Dammit.

2. I forgot to ask for “female massage therapists, please”- a cardinal rule of mine (and Rob’s) for like, ever. Oddly, both of us feel more comfortable being oiled and rubbed down by chicks. And, no, it’s not a sex thing.

As two dudes round the corner, barefoot and wearing JOGGING PANTS ready to rub us down, I realize the following almost instantly: Although I may be a great liar I am also a big believer in karma, which means a narrowly missed spa appointment, being out fifty bucks for a lopsided bathing suit that I don’t want, like or will ever wear again, and being rubbed down by someone who resembles the Close Talker from Seinfeld is the Universe’s way of giving me the finger.

Point taken, Universe. You win.

This time.

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Filed under confessional, Note to Self

And the award goes to…

A few weeks back (I’m such a procrastinator), the blogilicious mysterg bestowed upon me this award:

honest-scrap-award

I cried! I sobbed! I gave a thank-you speech! No one heard it.

The rules are as follows once this award has been awarded:

1. Disclose 10 incredibly personal things that I wouldn’t tell anyone in the world, except a therapist who really is only listening and pretending to care because he’s paid to. Or she. Girls can be therapists too. Although they’ll tend to size you up more, you know, stare you up and down and shit. Which is mean, and exactly why I don’t have a therapist. Bitch.

2. Pass on this award to 10 other bloggers whom (which? that?) I love and read and think you should, too.

3. Then I have to tell you all to bounce over to mysterg‘s blog and then I have to let him know that I’ve gone and done this, because he gave me the award to begin with, but I’m not sure why, because the award has no rules or purpose or history, but it’s an award, so I’ll take it. Thanks again to the blogeriffic mysterg.

10 things about me that I’ve learned in the last 10 days:

1. I have bad PMS.

2. I fear failure more than death.

3. I saw a homeless man pass out on the street on Saturday. I called 911. I really do hope he survived. He’s been on my mind.

4. Some of you have started your own List. I think that’s amazing. It makes me smile.

5. In the last three days, I’ve received a lot of bad news. I’ve cried a lot. And thrown some things. But I know I’ll be ok.

6. I’ve lost my yojo and I’m determined to get it back. Someday soon, I will explain what “yojo” means.

7. My husband loves me. Deeply.

8. I like the new Miley Cyrus song. (Don’t you EVEN judge me.)

9. I like blogging in my underwear. (Oh what, like you don’t?)

10. In the last few days, the following searches have led pervs people to my blog:

-rules for touching on a nude beach
-sandyb nude (
um, whoever this is… nice try. Rob, you included.)
-my mom stalks me on the cell phone
-girls nude under 14
-lists to change your life
-what to say for turning 30

10 blogs that are absolutely superb and you should read. Just because.:

1. Not That Kind of Girl (if you don’t already read her, you’re totally missing out. this gal is sharp, witty, and uses words like, “onomatopoeia”.)

2. One Pape (what’s that about, you ask… I’ll let you decide. bring munchies.)

3. Pieces of Awesome (just because. doesn’t the name say it all?)

4. You. Me. Not Adult Supervision (effing hilarious and uber fun. she’ll make you feel cheap, used and naughty. it’s the best.)

5. Skinny Dip (she’s Canadian. and made a List of her own. need I really say more?)

6. WhatNot2Date (candid look at dating, sex, love and the squishy stuff in between.)

7. Man-Hands: Opposites Unattract (even writing that makes me laugh. just go there. trust me.)

8. The Bloggess (the effing queen of blogging. she’s my girl crush. truth.)

9. Confessions of a Twenty Something Year Old (this girl needs her own stand-up comedy show. i heart starbucks.)

10. LivIt LuvIt (she’s just the kind of girl you want have a drink with, blurt your guts out to, and be hungover with over bacon and eggs. absolutely ADORABLE.)

Bonus – 11. My Hormones Made Me (i couldn’t skip this! one gal. one blog. two distinct personalities. lovely, really.)

YOU: Go forth and read blogs!

BLOGS MENTIONED: I giveth. Now you giveth to 10 more. (And you’d better effing mention me in your thank you speech. Or else. I know where you blog.)

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Filed under confessional, no category for this crap

Confessional. Oh we’re going there.

So, I’m still sort of in word purgatory.

But I give purgatory the middle finger by pulling the following confessions from my vault and spewing these words all over purgatory’s face.

spewwww words…spewwww

A few 10 things about sandyb that you may or may not care about, relate to or know:

1. I have the world’s most pretty cat. She really doesn’t get enough attention on this blog

2. I’ve thought about deleting this blog. More than once.

3. I love the way a pencil case smells.. like new beginnings.

4. I was once a competitive figure skater.

5. I thought about being a food blogger once. The amount of stuff I know about food, cooking and nutrition is outrageous.

6. I’m a magazine editor by day.

7. I also teach yoga. Seriously.

8. I appeared on a home renovation show.

9. I co-founded a yoga-thon event that raised over $100,000 this year.

10. My father left us when I was 19. But forgiveness is more powerful than anger. He still walked me down the aisle.

11. I love my sister more than my left arm (and we’re pretty close, me and the arm). I am a lucky girl to have my sister.

12. I really am going through a reinvention right now, and some days are harder than others. Today was one of them.

13. I smile when people comment on my blog or email me that they can relate to something I wrote. I am always humbled.

14. More than death, I fear complacency.

15. Lately, I’ve had a few regrets.

16. I’m trying to not feel so bad about #15.

17. I wear my wedding dress on my birthday because it makes me laugh. And I look damn good in it.

18. I blush when people tell me they read my stuff, online and in print.

19. I’m hard on the outside, and soft in the middle. (that’s actually a lot deeper than it sounds.)

20. My husband does my laundry. Don’t hate me.. you’re just jealous.

21. My right boob is bigger than my left. (oh what, yours isn’t?)

22. Sometimes crying out loud is just necessary.

23. My mother is a breast cancer survivor.

24. I think too much.

25. I can speak Portuguese.

26. I don’t apologize for swearing. Sometimes “fuck” just sums it up.

27. In the next few days, I will add something else to my List.

28. Someday I want kids. But no time soon. They scare me.

29. I’m five minutes late everywhere I go. On a good day.

30. My dream in life is to be “discovered”.. I just hope I’m wearing something totally dope if/when it happens.

31. I have a girl crush on Megan Fox. Judge me, I don’t care.

32. I’ve been asked to write an advice column.

..But.. I dunno.  Can I? Thought it might be good practice if you send me your Qs first, just to get my feet wet, k? (originalsandyb@gmail.com)

So, tell me about YOU.

Behold.. PENELOPE THE CAT.

Behold.. PENELOPE THE CAT.

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Filed under confessional