Category Archives: stuff on my mind

Blog anonymity. Overrated?

There have been times I haven’t always been able to be as open as I’d like on this blog. It’s not because I don’t want to or don’t know how to express myself, it’s just that sometimes expression has consequences. Now wait a second.. before you think, “Hello! Isn’t a blog supposed to be a place where you’re UNCENSORED?” Let me tell you that self-publishing can be a double-edge sword. But I’m sure some of you have already considered this, particularly when you were deciding whether or not to blog under another name or identity. Even if the answer was obvious for you, at some point you still had to consider your options.

On one hand blogging openly is a way to thoroughly spew the contents of your mind and get feedback from people you know. I know that when my aunt who lives six hours a way is thinking of me, she types my url into her browser and then, poof, there’s my life spelled out for her. We stay connected and, without even trying, I let her in. When I decided to start this blog to document my last year as a twenty-something, I knew I wanted to be “sandyb”. I knew I would be comfortable posting pictures and talking about my husband or sister or neighborhood. All these things are a part of me – it just seemed natural to blog about them.

There are days I couldn’t imagine separating my reinvention journey from my real life. I even send out links to my posts on Facebook hoping that people will enjoy my writing and possibly even get inspired. I am a journalist by day, so it seemed like a good idea to connect with people the best way I know how – with my writing. And when someone takes the time to tell me that they’re feeling inspired to start their own Lists or that they simply enjoy reading my posts, it seems worth giving up a bit of my anonymity. I mean, don’t you love knowing that your thoughts are enjoyed?

On the other hand – the other edge of that sword – there have been days I wish I could just confess how hard it can be to look this deeply at my life. For all the fun I have coming up with new things to try and add to my growing List, there are moments when introspection is rough on me. There have been days when I wished I could just blog about my sadness, my fears or my anger. These emotions are as much a part of my journey as the good ones, and lately they’ve even been more prevalent. These are the times I second-guess my decision to be semi-public with my blog and when I wish that “sandyb” didn’t have a Facebook page.

More than once I’ve considered deleting my blog or going underground, only to emerge under a new identity, emailing only a few loyal readers and fellow bloggers to tell them, “Hey, it’s OK.. I’m over here now. Same gal, new url.” If it sounds like I’ve given it some thought, well, you wouldn’t be far off. But not to worry, I’m still here with no plans to abandonblog any time soon. I have a lot of work to do yet, both on and off the keyboard.

My final thoughts on the subject go a little something like this:  Anonymity seems to break and create boundaries simultaneously. For every anonymous post that connects with hundreds, even thousands, there is a part of you that never gets to bathe in the thrill of that recognition. But, but.. For every post where you’ve had to hold back for fear of offending, divulging too much or patronizing, there is equally a part of you that goes unnoticed.

In either case anonymity, or the lack thereof, creates limitations and that, my friends, is the sharpest edge of all.

 

Just a little something on my mind tonight.

 

So, where do you stand on bloganonymity?

And if you don’t have a blog, but read them, what’s your take – do you read anonymous blogs or public ones?


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Filed under stuff on my mind

Married. Without children. You gotta problem with that?

I’m going to start this post by saying two things:

1. I really wish I could post more often these days, but things are hectic lately. I mean really. On top of the usual stuff we all manage to cram our days with, Rob and I are house hunting, I’ve been trying to find a decent pair of decent boots for effing weeks now, and work’s a boar. Rarrrr. (although I don’t think that’s the sound a boar makes, but it must be close.. or similar.. or at least the distant cousin of what a real boar sounds like. But I wouldn’t know, because I’ve never seen a boar. Or eaten one.)

2. I’m adding another item to my List. But I can’t tell you what it is… yet.

And now we return to your regularly scheduled post-

When you’re dating and living apart, people ask, “when are you going to move in together?”

When you’re coupled, sharing an address, bills, and your toothbrush holder, people ask, “when are you going to get engaged?”

When you’re betrothed, the ring is on, and you’re deciding between a wedding in the city or on the beach at sunset with a Mai Tai and a sunburn, people ask, “when are you getting married?”

When you’ve set the date, said the vows, and sent out the last Thank You Card to relatives you probably won’t see again until the next family funeral, people ask, “when are you going to have a baby?”


And that’s where shit gets personal.

I totally get that some people are just you know, curious. Asking questions, making conversation sort of thing. When you’re married, it’s a given that at some point people are going to ask the baby question. I mean “it’s the next step..” right? (if you could see me right now, I’m rolling my eyes, which is a little hard to do while typing, but it’s happening. Somehow. Honest.)  When you haven’t really formulated an answer to that infamous question about baby, or care to right now, it’s the last question you want to hear.

As if I didn’t have enough to worry about with hunting a house, surviving the work week, attacking a List, and finalizing my plans to take over the world, now I have to think about my ovaries, my uterus and a clock. If this all sounds a little bit like being lost in a forest, it sure feels that way some days.

I could really use a few gingerbread crumbs right about now.

How about you – you getting the Q’s about what’s next in your life?

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Filed under stuff on my mind, stupid shit people say, the truth about turning 30

Dear blog, it’s been five days since my last confession…

I’m not quite sure where the words have been lately, but they’ve escaped me more than once. I’ve attempted, edited, deleted and rewritten this post so many times only to tell you something that should be rather simple:

I finished #3 on my List. I wrote a script. In fact, I wrote two.

They’re short (very short) scripts that I entered into a screenwriting contest I’ve had my eye on for some time. Now, that might not seem like something that’s hard to share – “big deal” you say – but sometimes the words just escape you. And sometimes you just run out of words. Wherever those words are, I can tell you that most of them ended up on the pages of my scripts, that are just waiting to be judged now. I’ve really put myself out there. We’ll see what comes back.

I’m in somewhat of a word purgatory – somewhere between wanting to tell you everything on my mind and not having enough words to describe it. So I guess you could say I’m feeling a little lost for words these days, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. It gives me time to process, to think, to marinade.

What I can muster is what my screenplays are about: One is a story of intense passion, and the other of faith. At first I thought these stories of mine had little in common, but then I realized that passion and faith have a thread that binds them together, keeping them just barely attached at the seems – we crave them both.

Some find passion in an instrument; on a blog; in a tube of paint; within a textbook; in the back of a 1987 Pontiac Tempest.

Some find faith in a place of worship; on a yoga mat; in the pages of a book; within the speech of a televangelist on a Sunday morning.

The point is not how you find passion and faith, but that you find them at all. In the last five days I’ve tasted a little of both. And some day soon I hope to find the words to tell you.

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Filed under #3 Finish my screenplay, stuff on my mind

Marriage is all about getting the stuff off your chest that just keeps you up at night.

The following conversation is real. I wouldn’t lie about something this ridiculous.

So we had the pleasure of getting all of these free channels to preview when we signed up with a new cable company. They’re always so awesome in the beginning. Kind of like how your new boss is nice to you for the first month before turning into the kind of boss that makes you want to slit your wrists in the bathroom, because everything you do is wrong and you totally get in shit for dumb things like speaking out of turn at a meeting, leaving your coffee mug in the communal kitchen sink or missing deadlines that you didn’t even know existed.

Anyways. This post isn’t about bosses or cable companies. It’s about putting yourself in other people’s shoes, and then acting accordingly.

Let me break this down for you with a story..

Before the honeymoon period with our cable company was over and we had all of our new, “free” channels ripped away from us, we decided to watch ALL OF THEM. I’m such a sucker for free shit.

One night we came across this Mexican TV channel, which I thought was pretty interesting because before this I had no idea it even existed. Rob and I previewed this channel and actually really started to get into it. The Y&R has nothing on these Latin American soaps… they show boobs. And then for no particular reason, it occurred to us:

If we had a Mexican cleaning lady, would we subscribe to Mexican TV?

On one hand, getting the Mexican TV channel would mean admitting that you’re a sucker. You know she’s totally going to be watching TV when SHE’S SUPPOSED TO BE WORKING. On the other hand, NOT getting the Mexican TV channel says that you’re a tyrant. Are you made of stone? Even you don’t just work all day. Are you reading this blog on your lunch hour right now? Didn’t think so.

Here’s a fact: It doesn’t take six hours to clean a 1000-square foot apartment. Maybe you could stretch it out for three, but not six. That said, there are two things that will happen once your cleaning lady is done dusting and buffing your crap-

1. She will riffle through your stuff, including (but not limited to) your medicine cabinet, under your mattress, in your closet and most definitely through the pile of papers and statements you just leave lying around (idiot).

2. She will watch TV.

If you’re lucky, she’ll choose number two. I, for one, would prefer that she did and I’m willing to do anything to make sure she takes that option over looking through my bank statements only to realize she makes more money than I do.

And with that, Rob and I decided that we WOULD subscribe to the Mexican TV channel if we had a Mexican cleaning lady. We’d probably even ask her what channel her novella was on, who was sleeping with whom and who’s waking up from a coma this week, etc. Just for the record we’d do the same for a Greek, Italian, Polish or Filipino cleaning lady, too. Any cleaning lady, for that matter. Ours happens to be Portuguese.

In the end, the take home message is, ‘Do Unto Others As You Would Want Them To Do Unto YOU’.

(And for God’s sake, burn your bank statements.)

Actual footage of our cleaning supply closet. Dramatic, isn't it?

Actual footage of our cleaning supply closet. Dramatic, isn't it?

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Filed under couldn't think of a category for this, stuff on my mind

I love you blogs & coffee

store window of SoHo Custom Arts & Framing, Roncesvalles

store window of SoHo Custom Arts & Framing, Roncesvalles

Saw this in a store window today, on my way back from Cherry Bomb.

Funny how when you think about something enough it just seems to… appear.

(So, off to Europe now- be back in two weeks. Word.)

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Filed under Roncesvalles, stuff on my mind