Category Archives: WTF

Sometimes sh*t happens. This is where it goes.

I’ll keep this brief.

While pouring ridiculous amounts of non-fat milk into my Venti at Starbucks this morning, I got called “ma’am” by a girl much taller than me, but definitely younger. I need to digest this (and the milk. I think I’m lactose.)

That’s all I have the strength to write for now.

Sincerely,
Devastated

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Filed under WTF

Apparently, I’m ugly.

True story.

On my way to class today (I’ve just wrapped up a screenwriting course… part of #3 on my List) I was driving in heavy Spadina traffic (those who live in Toronto are so feeling me right now) and narrowly missed nailing a cyclist. By inches, I tell you, effing inches.

My heart beating so fast I could hear it, I gave him a honk- what else was I supposed to do? Then I heard a swift, “fuck you bitch!” To which I replied, “You’re going to get hit asshole!” To which he replied, “fuck you bitch” once more. Not very creative, if you ask me.

Anyways.

Livid, and sweating at the pits, I continued to drive. At that point my cyclist (I’m getting possessive here now) CUTS IN FRONT OF MY CAR and gives me the finger. I lie not. “Don’t think I won’t hit you asshole!” I say as I keep driving. (Note: my windows are rolled down the entire time and I’m driving at ice-cream truck speed, so no big deal. Kind of.)

At the next red light, my cyclist whisks by again and says, “Fuck you, you ugly c***!” To which I replied……
“Your MOTHER!” before pulling away.

I mean, who was he calling ugly?

On to better things…

Today I took a vital step towards completing #2 on my List and purchased the OFFICIAL MOTORCYCLE HANDBOOK.

I can’t set my sights on a shiny new Vespa without first reading my shiny new handbook.

moto guide

Notice the BlackBerry-photo quality is back.

I was confused about what “type” of motorcycle license I need, so I called a professional: My local Vespa dealer (what, you thought vehicle licensing office? No chance. I only have a year to complete this mission, after all).

moto guide2

Again, the quality of this photo impresses you. I can feel it.

I learned that there are two types of moto-licenses: “LSM” (aka: Low Speed Motorcycle) license; and “M”, which is for the big bikes, Harleys, whatever. Not sure I can picture myself on a Hog any time soon, but I do feel a Vespa in my future, so the LSM it is.

Feeling good. One step closer to crossing #2 off my List. Not bad for the eve of my 29 birthday and the kick off to a year of reinvention.

I wonder though, do Vespas come with horns?

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Filed under Turning 30, WTF

Sisterly love. A convo with Ashley.

A: ‘Sup homey?

S: ‘Sup.

A: So, it’s your birthday tomorrow.

S: I know.

A: Are you taking the day off?

S: What do you think?

A: No?

S: When have I ever not taken the day off for my birthday?

A: Good for you.

S: Ya.

A: What are you gonna do?

S: I don’t know. Whatever Rob has planned.

A: Dinner Saturday?

S: Maybe. I don’t want to eat with, like, 15 people there. I can’t digest.

A: Ya.

S: Ok.

A: Ok, gotta go (chewing).

S: Later.

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One week to go. Holding my breath.

Forget enough hours in the day. I could use a couple of extra years between now and 30.

Forget enough hours in the day. I could use a couple of extra years between now and 30.

The thing about turning 30 is that you realize what passes for “cute” in your 20s is nothing short of gauche in your 30s.


For example:

1.  Getting tipsy after a drink (or two)

What people really think: you’ve been drinking for well over a decade now. Seriously, get a grip. And stop saying things like, “I hardly ever drink.” Nobody believes you.


2.  You’re still trying to find your “niche”

What people really think: you graduated high school 12 years ago. You likely suffered through at least two “Career Days” in your teens and minimum one “Job Fair” your first year at university. Not to mention the post-grad backpacking trip your credit card paid for. Fifteen jobs and fourteen resignation letters later and you’re still searching for the elusive “niche” huh?


3.  Starting a family is nowhere on your radar

What people really think: you lie like a rug. Married, single or swinging, every gal has thought about whether her ovaries will shrivel up before 40. Didn’t you learn anything from six seasons of “Sex and the City”? You don’t want a family because you’re still trying to find your “niche”. Admit it.


4.  It’s worth waiting for “Mr. Right”

What people really think: have you been drinking tipsy? Even married women are waiting for Mr. Right – there is no such thing. Plus, your ovaries are shriveling up.


5. You’re quitting your job… again?

What people really think: I don’t care what the New York Times say – changing your “career” every two years is one thing, but every six months girl, for real? Get a grip. What are you doing with your life?


Note:
Number five is especially a stinger for most and, to be truthful, a lot of the motivation behind my own reinvention before 30. The ambition people admired in you at 20something gets misconstrued as “flakey” when you’re 30ish. Do I personally agree? Hell no. Is it a fact and do people really think it? You tell me.

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Filed under Turning 30, WTF

I’m such a two-face

Pro to partnership: someone can always take your picture. Con: someone inevitably will take one like THIS.

Pro to partnership: someone can always take your picture. Con: someone inevitably will take one like THIS. Note the sarcastic overtones in this sh*t eating grin.

With Rob away for the weekend, I figured this would be a good a time as any to do things that seem to fall off the map when you’re busy loving someone.

It’s not like I don’t get stuff done when he’s in my space,  but if I have to choose between staying in and finally sorting out my closet or strolling to Cherry Bomb Coffee Shop with Rob on a sunny Saturday, well, coffee and brioche win every time. Every time. Needless to say, it gets distracting.

Here are some of the pros of having your man away for a few days:

1. No distractions! My closet’s ass is mine.

2. I have the bed all to myself. Penelope is loving it, but still sleeps on my face. Hm.

3. I only have to make one coffee this morning. But I will still have two.

4. I’m on my own, so time is my own. Come, go. Stay, leave. My schedule, my rules.

5. Shower alone. Don’t judge. To save time we do a 2-for-1 often. But this weekend I’m spreadin’ out, baby!

6. Eating for one. When, where, and what I want. Need I say more.

Some cons of having your man away for a few days.

1. No distractions. Truth is I love them. Nothing beats being distracted with Rob.

2. I have the bed all to myself. Who the hell am I supposed to sleep on?

3. I only have to make one coffee this morning. Having two makes me pee more.

4. I’m on my own, so time is my own. Ok, I’m busy, but not that busy. Rob is like built-in entertainment.

5. Shower alone. Not as fun.

6. Eating for one. This got old on Friday.

I’m such a two-face.

But here’s the way I figure it: Perspective is everything. I know this. I understand this, but often forget it. Very often. Lately my cup has been looking half empty, but that shit’s getting old and I’ve been due for a little perspective reinvention.

It’s slap-face reminders, like being on my own for a few days, that give me a little insight as to how my ‘perspective skills’ are doing. If they were looking a little dull when Rob first left on Wednesday, they’re razor sharp now.

The closet awaits.

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Filed under Reinvention Inspiration, Roncesvalles, WTF

In two weeks….

"If you knew how much you were loved you would never cry again..."

"If you knew how much you were loved, you would never cry again..."

Two Fridays from today I will be 29.

It will be August 21 and I will have just ONE YEAR to tackle my “Before I Turn 30 List”. But am I ready? Are these the things that I really want to accomplish by this time next year? I’m gonna go with “yes” and see how I feel in two weeks when 28 is but a distant memory and the power of the List comes into full effect. Stay tuned.

On another note….

I had the day off from work today (always a frickin bonus in my books) and took myself to breakfast at one of my favorite coffee joints, just a few steps away (ok, like half a block) from my front door. LOVE their plain croissant. Rob recently fell in love with the brioche there, but me, I like my crusty pastries straight up.

So, while croissanting and sipping coffee, I thumbed through the latest version of Now mag (about 30 hours old, hot off the presses) and did something I rarely do, like, ever: I read my Horoscope. (Note: I first typed “hororscope“… Freudian slip perhaps? Perhaps.)

I know, I know… lame. I should know by now that horoscopes are but the penwork of clever writers f*cking with common folk who are desperate for a little ego-centric entertainment before noon. But I digress.

Maybe it’s because (truth be told) this turning 30 thing really does have me in a tiz, but what I read in my ‘scope this morning tickled bits of my brain and prodded at pieces of my heart that I think, lately, needed a kickstart. It was actually quite revealing. And so, without further ado, here is what I read – an ode to Leo’s everywhere (you know who you are):

LEO (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

If you really knew how much you were loved, you would never cry again. A sublime relaxation would flood your nervous system, freeing you to see the beautiful secrets that your chronic fear has hidden from you. If you knew how much the world longs for your genius to bloom, the peace that filled you would ensure you could not fail. You’d face every trial with eager equanimity. You would always know exactly what to do, because your intuition would tell you in myriad of subtle ways. And get this, Leo: A glimpse of this glory will soon be available to you.

-Rob Brezsny, Now magazine

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Filed under Roncesvalles, Turning 30, WTF